I could tell you about two gentlemen I once worked for, but I would already be guilty of telling a lie. For neither of them were ever guilty of being gentlemanly. Both of them were older than me. I would estimate by about 15 years. They were carpenters, the two of them, and went into business building homes. Now these two were an unruly bunch, full of lies and mischief, but, otherwise, good as gold. On the job site they would take turns cursing the other on account the other one was lazy and too slow.
“I’m getting awfully tired of carrying you on account of your loafing around. You can’t expect me to do my end of the job and yours too, can you!”
“I was considering the same about you! Figures to me, I could make more money on my own. At least I would finally get paid for doing the work of two men!”
Back and forth it went between them. When they got tired of ripping on one another, they would gang up on me. Since I was barely 21 at the time, I made a pretty easy target.
Of course, neither of which were lazy or incompetent. But they were equally outlaws each in their own right. V— was the biggest outlaw of the two. There were times when he would stop by Lowes to pick up lumber and would find reason to slap an employee in the lumber yard. According to V— the employee was always at fault. P—, the more diplomatic of the two, would go and make amends with the manager on V—‘s behalf.
I witnessed with my own eyes V— accidentally shoot himself with a nail gun through his thigh. To my amazement he ran as fast as a gazelle afterward because P— was trying to chase him down with his claw hammer. He told V—, “Hold still, will you! I’ll yank it out for you.”
However, once V— reached his truck where he kept his Ruger .44, P— wisely dropped the idea.
A famous story around my town was the time when V— skipped church on one particular Sunday morning. Instead of sharing in the Gospel with the rest of the Baptist town folk, he decided to run his hunting dogs in the deer woods to see if he could kick up a few deer.
Now P— had a domineering wife given over heavily to the rules of the Sabbath. So it wasn’t as if he could just skip church without suffering a divorce. V— had already been divorced three times, so the threat of another one didn’t exactly scare him straight.
P— sat there with the righteous but the thought of his buddy running wild through the woods shooting up God’s creation was too much for his piety to cover. So he tapped his dear wife on her arm and asked to be excused so that he could accommodate the necessities of nature. However, instead of going to the men’s room, he headed out to his truck to see if he could call up V— on his CB radio.
Unfortunately for P— the church’s sound system picked up their conversation — actually it was the main auditorium speakers to be precise. P—‘s CB radio, being in close proximity to the church building, bled over to the speakers. If you are familiar with sound systems and radios, the idea of how a matter could happen isn’t so hard to imagine.
Here’s how the conversation took place.
P—: Hey dick, where you at?
V—: Oh, up here at the lease tearing up the woods, dick. We just kicked up a big fat b—-. I let her go, though. I’m gonna see if I can pop that big mother f—- that’s been f—- with us all season.
The preacher was at first confused then shocked at the type of conversation being transmitted to the entire congregation. So he began to shout in order to drown out the vulgarities but on queue P— and V—‘s laughter would pick up as if the Devil himself had a hand in tormenting the pious on that Sabbath Day.
Before the sound man killed the power to the speakers, the entire congregation had become privy to the conversation taking place out in the parking lot. Some were praying down brimstone and fire, others thinking the world was coming to an end, dropped then and there in fervent prayer. The rest simply covered their children’s ears.
Certainly P—‘s wife recognized her husband’s voice and promptly dispatched the oldest son out to fetch him away from his blasphemous actions that surely already sent his soul to eternal damnation.
As I understand it, P— told his son that he loved him. He said he would take his chances in the afterlife when God called to finally set things straight. The thought of eternal fire and damnation was still aways off but the wrath of his wife was immediate, and she was likely to be less forgiving than the Almighty.
*I hear he is still hiding out somewhere in Mexico.
*I took some liberty with the ending. Everything up to that point is the honest truth. It’s not like you can make up something like that.