Sometimes I like to take it all in. I mean really reflect and project. I may say to myself, “I started at this point and now we are here.” Then I estimate, with a little dumb luck I may just end up over there. Up to now, I’ve managed to keep the Coincidence Cavalry off my flank. I’m not sure how long that can last though.
It’s around this time that when I get my hopes up; I opt for another place to land. So I set a course for my new destination but I usually end up counting the trees in the forest. I get a little sidetracked, turned around, and so, have to do some back tracking. This is when I discover that I’m back where I started having made no real progress, only a few changes.
I don’t duck obstacles or challenges, provided they are worth my time. I’m lazy unless I feel engaged enough to put out effort. College was a breeze for me. When I finished, I didn’t feel any real sense of accomplishment. It was just a check in a box. Grad school is tiring but fun. I already have a feeling I’ll feel the same way when that’s done.
I tend to get in the way of my best laid plans. I ask myself, “What exactly is it that you want us to do?” I don’t have an answer other than, “Anything other than what we are doing now.”
“We said that last time, the time before that, and the time before them. At what point will we be satisfied and live.”
“We don’t have an answer for that. But we have to admit, each move put us in a better position than the one before.”
“True. But where does that put us personally?”
“We don’t have an answer for that.”
And so it goes. I am perpetually unsatisfied and unfulfilled. I scratch and claw my way to a position in life long enough to stand on my feet before I scratch and claw my way someplace else. I hate sitting still.
I’m so afraid that twenty years from now I’ll be that person that says, “When I finally grow up, I would like to do this.”
I can’t even tell you what “this” is for me.